My fellow Habaneros I present to you, our shrimps – Mike Cammalleri, Brian Gionta and Scott Gomez.

When you have 3 guys all under 6 feet signing in a hockey hotbed like Montreal, that title is what it amounts to. Three shrimps with the potential for being really tasty (read: skilled) dangling precariously over the flames (read Montreal fans + media). With enough careful prodding and pressure, these three shrimps could turn out to be one of the best combo lines in the game, despite their stature. That’s how I’d prefer it – all under the radar, not making big waves, just being motivated and supported enough to keep clicking and producing. They go out there and give it their all every shift, and if they dog it, we let them know it. I’d like to call that the ’slow cook’, under even heat.

We all know there’s always one jackass at a barbecue gathering that insists on turning up the heat because they’re impatient and figure more heat = quicker end result. Sure the heat provides instant results, but often burns out anything placed within it in short order. You could have a prime slab of beef (Read: Kovalev) but if you turn it up to much, you end up burning it out and you have to discard it.

Ow dude. That's hot.

I think we have a lot of these jackasses in Montreal. Hopefully, the king of the grill (read: Gainey) has the patience to put up with the fans over developing his talent, because after awhile we know he’ll end up being thrown upon his own fire.

See this? - Trust me, you don't want any of this. This old dog is gonna taste like shit.

Are any of you Habaneros out there hungry? I know I am. Bring on the season!

See, this is how you bend over to take my salary...

Apparently Scotty Gomez, my Habanero homeboy who I’m proud to have represent me as a Habs Hispanic on h’ice, had a short interview with TSN about the upcoming season and his current preparations. The usual comments were given, as to be expected by every new player that winds up in Montreal:

1) I’m looking forward to the challenge by the Montreal media and fans
2) I understand the environment is a pressure cooker and I’m not scared
3) I’m looking forward to doing my best because Montreal is a wonderful hockey city to play in.
4) I’m learning French so I can relate better to the fans.

All I have to say is, good luck. You can say you’re ready for the onslaught based on what you’ve seen and been told by former players, but absolutely NOTHING will prepare you for what to expect during your tenure in Quebec. Unless you’re a French speaking national who has Rocket Richard like ability, Flowing locks and charisma like Guy Lafleur, the bravery of Jacques Plante, the swagger of Patrick Roy and the endurance of Beliveau, you will not win the fans over.

You could learn to speak Quebecois and all the intricacies of Joyal, you could put up 3 pts a game, score the series winning goal in the Stanley Cup finals and even change your name to Gomaise to appear more Franco-friendly – but someone, somewhere will have some kind of negative comment.

“Meh. C’est un Americain.”

I’m telling you right now – Montreal fans and media find ways to criticize the most minute thing in order to have something to bitch about. We spend more time and energy dissecting and dismantling our current greats so they don’t surpass the memories of the feats of our past greats. Its a denial on a grand scale. No one will be better than the Rocket – its downright blasphemy. Not to mention, the rumors and reports of the Montreal faithful.

I SAW HIM IN A BAR SNORTING COKE OFF A TRANSVESTITES CHEST !

HE’S PART OF THE SOPRANOS CREW, HE CAME FROM JERSEY AND NEW YORK AND BROUGHT HIS MOB TIES WITH HIM!

HE’S AMERICAN SO HE MUST SECRETLY WANT THE BRUINS TO WIN SO THATS WHY HE PLAYS LIKE CRAP AGAINST THEM!

But hang on, its not all bad rumors – wait for this one:

GOMEZ IS GOING TO SCORE MORE THAN 50 GOALS THIS SEASON AND WIN THE ROCKET RICHARD TROPHY

GOMEZ IS GOING TO BE THE NEXT CAPTAIN NOW THAT HE CAN SPEAK FRENCH AND WE’LL AUTOMATICALLY WIN THE STANLEY CUP

GOMEZ IS GONNA TAKE A PAY CUT SO HE CAN BENEFIT THE TEAM

So Scotty – hombre, muchacho, hermano…. I hate to break it to you but when you get a taste of what the REAL montreal fan base is like, you’re going to wish you signed for less somewhere else. In fact, you’ll be so burnt out and have such a bitter taste in your mouth that you won’t care what you sign for, so long as it gets you out of town.

Drury: "Dude, if you leave Montreal in less than two years, you lose the bet and have to eat this stick."

It won’t matter that you speak French, or that the thought of the media presence doesn’t scare you. Eventually, it will get to you. And you will probably leave. And you probably won’t enjoy your stay. I hope you had a good summer and you’re feeling ready, because you’re really going to understand what all the others said before you.

Don't listen to Drezz. I know what I'm doing.

Stay strong, homeboy.