See, this is how you bend over to take my salary...

Apparently Scotty Gomez, my Habanero homeboy who I’m proud to have represent me as a Habs Hispanic on h’ice, had a short interview with TSN about the upcoming season and his current preparations. The usual comments were given, as to be expected by every new player that winds up in Montreal:

1) I’m looking forward to the challenge by the Montreal media and fans
2) I understand the environment is a pressure cooker and I’m not scared
3) I’m looking forward to doing my best because Montreal is a wonderful hockey city to play in.
4) I’m learning French so I can relate better to the fans.

All I have to say is, good luck. You can say you’re ready for the onslaught based on what you’ve seen and been told by former players, but absolutely NOTHING will prepare you for what to expect during your tenure in Quebec. Unless you’re a French speaking national who has Rocket Richard like ability, Flowing locks and charisma like Guy Lafleur, the bravery of Jacques Plante, the swagger of Patrick Roy and the endurance of Beliveau, you will not win the fans over.

You could learn to speak Quebecois and all the intricacies of Joyal, you could put up 3 pts a game, score the series winning goal in the Stanley Cup finals and even change your name to Gomaise to appear more Franco-friendly – but someone, somewhere will have some kind of negative comment.

“Meh. C’est un Americain.”

I’m telling you right now – Montreal fans and media find ways to criticize the most minute thing in order to have something to bitch about. We spend more time and energy dissecting and dismantling our current greats so they don’t surpass the memories of the feats of our past greats. Its a denial on a grand scale. No one will be better than the Rocket – its downright blasphemy. Not to mention, the rumors and reports of the Montreal faithful.

I SAW HIM IN A BAR SNORTING COKE OFF A TRANSVESTITES CHEST !

HE’S PART OF THE SOPRANOS CREW, HE CAME FROM JERSEY AND NEW YORK AND BROUGHT HIS MOB TIES WITH HIM!

HE’S AMERICAN SO HE MUST SECRETLY WANT THE BRUINS TO WIN SO THATS WHY HE PLAYS LIKE CRAP AGAINST THEM!

But hang on, its not all bad rumors – wait for this one:

GOMEZ IS GOING TO SCORE MORE THAN 50 GOALS THIS SEASON AND WIN THE ROCKET RICHARD TROPHY

GOMEZ IS GOING TO BE THE NEXT CAPTAIN NOW THAT HE CAN SPEAK FRENCH AND WE’LL AUTOMATICALLY WIN THE STANLEY CUP

GOMEZ IS GONNA TAKE A PAY CUT SO HE CAN BENEFIT THE TEAM

So Scotty – hombre, muchacho, hermano…. I hate to break it to you but when you get a taste of what the REAL montreal fan base is like, you’re going to wish you signed for less somewhere else. In fact, you’ll be so burnt out and have such a bitter taste in your mouth that you won’t care what you sign for, so long as it gets you out of town.

Drury: "Dude, if you leave Montreal in less than two years, you lose the bet and have to eat this stick."

It won’t matter that you speak French, or that the thought of the media presence doesn’t scare you. Eventually, it will get to you. And you will probably leave. And you probably won’t enjoy your stay. I hope you had a good summer and you’re feeling ready, because you’re really going to understand what all the others said before you.

Don't listen to Drezz. I know what I'm doing.

Stay strong, homeboy.